Church Refugees: Churches and community

I honestly believe it took me so long to leave the church of legalism because it was the only spiritual community I had ever known. I knew the songs, I knew the services, I knew what to expect, I knew the people, and it had been my community since I was born.

I never quite fit in and it's even more obvious now that I am an adult that I do not belong in their community but it's ironic that it was that familiarity that kept me involved in so long.

At this point I am over trying to fit in with a church community. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a church community again but it seems when I've tried I either don't fit in again or it's out of sync with my mission and values. The last time I was visiting s church I didn't even try. I just don't have the energy to do it. I would much rather focus on making an impact in the world than trying to fit in with church.

Church as family

Church likes to promote itself as family. A family should let people be who they really are and love them. Period. So you're a little different? Great we're supposed to be a peculiar people! When I was in church, I didn't see it that way. I saw it as we will love you as long as you become what we think you should become, go along with our agenda, and say the right things. You don't even have to DO he right things but just saying the right things is good enough.

Growing up in legalism, I figured out early on that if I really got into trouble church would be the LAST place I would turn. It's not just because of judgment but because they didn't have any power, any solutions, or any answers.

Once I left and got more involved with the charismatic movement, I did feel differently about that Since those places are spirit led and spirit filled, I came to learn that I would hear a prophetic word from heaven when I needed to. I can say that's what I really miss about attending charismatic church. All of the prophetic words, prayers, and words from heaven that were spoken over my life and others have come true. I was so encouraged and it was just what I I needed at just the right time.

I miss that more than anything

I believe that the glory will be falling even harder from heaven as we enter the time of revival and renewal and I want to be in the midst of it. I would love to be in a church learning from older women who have prophesied, prayed, and preached so that I can carry on the message for future generations but I know that unless I'm in the in crowd then that won't happen. I also don't think EVERYONE needs to have a church.

I also recognize that I'm probably not the best candidate to be at the forefront of a church. I am pro LGBT, I listen to secular music, I watch R rated movies, enjoy the occasional wine and cocktails, watch scandalous tv shows, and I'm just not into the whole superficial Christian culture. This doesn't make me a prime candidate to lead in a church.

Sadly so many people struggle in church to keep up appearances for their family and they live pretend lives. For many it becomes unbearable to live an inauthentic life and they end up leaving. Still for others, church provided their social life and it's all they know.

In this book church refugees, they talk about people who gave their lives to the Lord not because they were in a church but because they developed relationships with people who were Christians and they wanted to form community with them. Jesus said by your love men will know you are my disciples. Just forming relationships and caring about others will do way more to win over people then throwing the bible at them.

This is the way Jesus modeled how to go about forming communities. He went around telling people stories, fulfilling their needs, and letting them know God loved them. This gained him a loyal following. If churches let people know they actually care, then more people would be likely to stay even when the church goes through hard times.

In the book church refugees the people who are leaving church are saying that the only thing they miss and have difficulty re-creating when they leave is a sense of community.  I haven't had much of a church community in the past 7 years although I tried at first but it didn't click so I decided to spend my resources out of the church community.

I can say from my time in fundamentalist Christianity that I think that's what kept people in the fold. It was a community of people who built their lives around this shared belief system and shared much of their lives with these people so for many of the people it's hard to let that go. 

These days there are a lot more options so who wants to go to a place where you're told that you're not good enough, you're going to hell if you don't agree with their beliefs, and there's a very poor life success rate. I knew I would be better off without the fundamentalist teachings but I would also be better off without the toxic people. I never wanted to end up like the people I saw in that community.

Shared Experiences over Shared Beliefs.  Relationships over everything.

What I've found dealing in the fitness world is that people bond together by a common experience not necessarily beliefs. They share the story of a gentleman named Jacob who thought about leaving church but he didn't want to meeting up with his brothers and sisters in church so he kept going. He said that he found God through them. It was their shared experiences that built that relationship.

In my business my approach to marketing is: Relationship based marketing. I don't believe I can earn your trust and your business until I've established a relationship with you. So many churches have a build it and they will come mentality or they are very poor at teaching people to form meaningful relationships. People Come to a church seeking something and the only way to find out what they're seeking is to build relationships.

The Great Commission is all about Going out into the world and making disciples. I don't know how you plan on doing that without establishing real relationships and I'm not talking about the superficial social club relationships that churches tend to encourage people to make. 

You know the ones where we all have our masks on pretending that we are super Christian while dying on the inside.  I'm talking about a real experience where people are free to share their pain and victories. A place where people are encouraged to live authentically and intentionally because what you're going through and what you've been delivered from will help someone else.

Real community doesn't happen accidentally. You have to be intentional and unapologetic about forming it. When I form fitness communities, I lay down the rules and if people don't want to follow it then they can leave. However I do my part to make things effective and entertaining. It took me over a year to build one of my fitness communities. There were many times I wanted to quit because we just weren't getting the right mix of people. Then finally as I became even more unapologetic about what our mission and goal was we started attracting the right people. It wasn't even about what people believed. It was about the experience I wanted them to have and once they bought in to my community then I could use that time to teach what I believed.

Churches don't allow you into the community until you can spout the company line. As the book church refugees says

Churches frequently want to make sure that everyone signs on to a common belief system before they can begin to do life with each other. This is not only a dubious way to practice Christianity according to the people who were surveyed for this book but also a profoundly ineffective way to build community.