My dating and relationship skills are beyond terrible so I decided to sign up for dating classes and then decide who I want to work with in order to help me get better.
So far I am really digging the classes I have taken online. I have learned one thing:
Everything I have been doing is all wrong
I think this is fairly obvious since things don't work out and end in miserable failure.
I started reading Geneen Roth's "When Food is Love" about the relationship between food and intimacy. As Geneen says, the Dying to be Thin struggle is very similar to the I have to Find a Mate struggle. Both are focused on "Getting There". We place all of our energy into "Getting There". We won't know what to do once we are not on diets or involved in searches for "The One".
Once we are THERE it is often disappointing because we realize that this wasn't the problem nor the answer after all.
We don't know how to be functional or thrive because our focus is not on BEING there. It's about getting there. That is the fulfillment we are looking for.
Much of this goes back to our childhood.
Healing Childhood Wounds
I did not see a positive example of relationships. Because of this, that's what feels familiar to me. Drama Chaos, struggle, and misery.
So that is what I tend to seek out and how I tend to behave because that is what feels familiar. Both Geneen and the Dating Classes I have attended say that most of us are looking to relationships to heal our childhood wounds.
I can see this to be true. In addition to drama and chaos, I always felt like I needed to prove that I was worthy of love and acceptance. Often because I did not receive the affirmation that I needed. I think this is one of the reasons that I tended to choose unavailable men or fixer uppers. Clearly they would affirm me and I would have to put in the work to prove that I was worthy because they are unavailable and not able to express that.
That's what feels familiar.
This has been fascinating work to me.
Due to how I was raised I always want to be in control. I never felt like I had control when I was growing up or was able to choose what I wanted so I ALWAYS want to be in charge of the situation. I never want to be someone who allows other people to control her.
Being in control is a masculine energy. Sadly many women of my generation have taken on masculine energy because we did not have people who took care of us. We had to do it all or else it didn't get done! While this was critical for our survival, it doesn't work out for dating and relationships.
Learning what it means to be in feminine energy is eye opening because I never learned this. One of my biggest takeaways with Masculine and Feminine Energy is that Feminine Energy is about BEING. It's not about DOING or having the What more can I do attitude. It's about BEING and not doing.
(This is part of what I have gotten terribly wrong)
I was embarrassed about sharing this at first with people but I realized that was a result of SHAME and since I just finished Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, I decided to come clean about it with my friends.
People have been pretty supportive and many are intrigued and want to sign up for their own dating classes because they too have been failing miserably.
I do not believe the problem solely lies with men like many women believe.
I think women were fed a bill of goods by society to be Alpha Females (go get educated, make lots of money, be a leader, sleep with as many men as you want, get plastic surgery, etc.) and then we do it. In response to this we have created Peter Pan Never want to grow up Beta Males. This leads to frustration and anger on everyone's parts.
The women are frustrated angry because they want Alpha Male Leaders and the men are angry because they want feminine women as partners not bossy Alpha Female CEO's. Everything is all confused. This requires that we change.
I KNOW I need to change.
So I did it. I shared.my secret shame.
End game is up top!! May the Odds be Ever in my favor