Proverbs 31 OBS: The Husband Project What I learned in Week 3...You need more than Love

If you asked most people why they want to get married, they will say because of love. This is all fine and good but I think you need more than love to keep a marriage going. I also think that many people TALK about love but very few are WALKING in love.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference and that means not caring about the other person...If you are selfish, then I don't know how loving you can be.

Let's Get Real....Why Love is NOT enough

30 percent of divorced women say they knew they were marrying the wrong man ok their wedding day, according to How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy author Jennifer Gauvain

I have read in another book that 80% of women say they would not choose to marry their husbands again if given that option.

How sad is this!

It's sad but not surprising. I think that married people can be the best motivation to NOT get married.

What about this LOVE business? Is that really all you need? Not in my opinion. I think that there are other factors that need to play in your decision to get married. These are what I came up with for myself.

• Purpose/Mission
• Ambition
• Career/professional goals
• Personal Branding
• Financial goals
• Lifestyle goals

This may sound cynical and unromantic but for me it's unrealistic to believe that love is all you need to sustain a Marriage. Besides this thing that people call love is often no more than lust or infatuation. 50% of marriages end in divorce and 70% experience some type of infidelity so...love is not enough.

I got some back up on this.  An article in the Huffington post called 8 Things You’ve been taught about marriage that are totally wrong said this:

“It’s true, we all do need love. But despite what most pop songs and movies have taught us, healthy marriages need way more than just love in order to thrive. In addition to love, couples need respect, compatibility, good communication skills, humility, safety, chemistry, acceptance, play and diligence ― and that’s just naming a few qualities.” ― Andrea Wachter, a marriage and family therapist in Northern California

True Love

I think there's need to be a distinguishing between what the world calls LOVE and what we as spiritually enlightened know to be LOVE.  The worldly definition of love says that you love someone as long as times are good and that they are fulfilling your needs.  You can love them as long as they are playing the role you want but what about when things go downhill or there are significant challenges?  

Can you really love someone who is not honest with you about who they are?  You see I believe that TRUE LOVE means accepting someone as they are.  Period.  Even the bad and ugly parts of them.  Most people have not done the work below the surface anyway so when the rains come, they have no foundation and it all falls down.

That is not Love.

If you cannot be honest with your spouse, then that is not love.

If you feel that the only way that you can be loved is if you fit a certain status or income level, then that is not love.

True Love sees the best even when everyone else is running away.  When everyone else is saying, "What a mess.  It's all over."  True Love says,  "You may think it's over but the best is yet to come.  I see it."

True Love never ends....

The Bible says true love never ends so when folks say they fell out of love. I always think “Well they must not have loved them in the first place”  It may be more complicated than that but listening to married people talk, I rarely hear great reasons for why they signed up for their partnership. If I'm uninspired, then I can't imagine how it is for them to have that life.

This week I've learned I have to be realistic about Marriage. For me this whole romantic love story idea pales in comparison to other important factors such as those listed below. I think if these areas are addressed, then the Celine Dion high note romance will happen.

All In

This is what I learned this week: If I'm going to be ALL IN, then those areas above need to be addressed

Purpose/Mission

For me this is key. I'm not afraid to be alone (as a matter of fact I need a good reason to change that status) I'm not willing to waste my time on someone or something that has no mission or purpose. It's a waste of time and will crash and burn as soon as things are no longer sunshine and rainbows. Without a compelling why, you're not going to last.

Ambition

The biggest career decision you will make is who you marry. That's what Sheryl Sandberg told us at a women's leadership conference. I was in my 20’s when I heard that and a light bulb went off. By this time I had already vowed to never ever be with anyone whose ambition level did not match mine. Marrying with someone with zero ambition is out of the question for me. I definitely would not respect someone like this as a man so forget it.

Career/Professional Goals

To piggyback off the last point, I have my own career/professional goals and if someone cannot be supportive of that, then he's not for me. Furthermore, I wouldn't want to be with someone who is lazy and doesn't have any career or professional goals of his own.

I couldn't respect him because in my experience men like that aren't interested in personal growth and development of any kind. They are comfortable In lives of mediocrity. I want someone who pushes me to get better.

So what if he is ambitious and has big career/professional goals? How will that work?

That whole RESPEK thing

As I've gone through the projects for the bible study this week,  that whole RESPEK thing came up again. I'll read something and think: “Ask his opinion about clothes? For what? Nobody's gonna tell me what to do!" This is the wrong attitude. when you've been steering your own ship for as long as I have, it is a foreign concept to ask someone else their opinion on matters as trivial as clothing, food, etc.

We may think that's a little thing, but I don't believe there are any little things. If you truly respect someone you value their opinion on everything. Because if you can't ask their opinions on the little things like clothing, then how you can ask their opinions on the big things?

How can I think about sacrificing for his career if I'm not even willing to value his opinion about my sweat pants?

Personal Branding

As an entrepreneur, I am always thinking about my brand. What does my brand stand for? Why should people listen to me? What sets me apart?

I believe women should think like that when it comes to their personal lives. What do I stand for?  What do I want our marriage to stand for? Is this relationship taking my brand toward success or is it bringing me down towards failure?

We need to be unapologetic about this type of mindset. I am so tired of seeing women ruining their lives by getting involved with bums who bring them down towards failure.

My personal brand stands for: Faith, ambition, strength, purpose, excellence, world class and high performance.

This has made it harder for my fancy to be tickled. It's hardly getting tickled these days. After last year where we saw that this type of man does indeed exist, it's much harder  to get my fancy tickled

Financial goals

They say money is one of the top reasons for divorce. As

A new business owner, I am broke by myself right now. I wouldn't mind being broke with someone else as long as we had the same goal and vision of moving towards the same financial goals

This means I am not interested in someone who plans on being broke for the rest of their lives and spending frivolously. Need to be on the same page

Lifestyle Goals

Living a life of integrity, excellence and high performance is critical for me. I know this is how I want to raise my children.

Sometimes people laugh at me about all my rules for my life and rigidity. With all of the successful people I've been around, they are all focused, have strict rules about their lives, stay on a schedule, and that's why they are not like the rest of people floundering and reacting to life.

So it would be critical for me to be with a man who believed in living the same type of high performance lifestyle. I need someone who is going to push me to get me better and will hold me accountable if I am on the way down.

Getting My Mind Right

So for me this week has been a real eye opener to exactly what my goal and purpose for getting married is.  It’s about getting that mind right.  

Furthermore I spent time with my favorite 9 year old so that also helped me see that kids are not a game.  It’s a lot of work but well worth it. I am super grateful for this study because it's allowing me to work through my own attitudes and changing my STONY HEART. The more I learn about myself and my attitude, the more I can change my heart and mind and grow into the woman God has called me to be.