I'm Ready: No longer looking for vindication because I shall not be ashamed.

It is amazing to me how of my journey is not compartmentalized.  Everything is parallel to each other.

This week I had to have a come to Jesus moment with my coach regarding the fitness competition.  This left me taking Wednesday completely off from food, training, and re-evaluating my real reasons for competing.

While sitting in Starbucks eating a Cheesecake Brownie (it sure was good) I made my pro and con list to continue on towards my competition goal (I wasn't trying to give up...I just needed to see my reasons for continuing on paper)

Well I wrote 2 words in big bold letters on the page and circled them.

Validation and Vindication

Was there a part of me that was doing this for Validation and Vindication.

Yes.

Shame

How is it that you get what you need right when you need it?  After having that realization of wanting validation and vindication from the competition and writing down why that wasn't a good idea,  I continued with my Bob Sorge Study on Unrelenting Prayer.  The chapter was about dealing with shame while you're waiting on God.

Pastor Bob wrote that when you are waiting on God it is normal to feel shame because your journey is incomplete, you're barren, you have no proof that what you're believing for is ever going to happen, and people (even well meaning people) who do not understand your journey begin to offer advice and question your sanity.

Are you serious?  Dude, you just summed up my entire life right now!

Understanding my shame

I feel shame that my life looks how it does and I realize how STUPID that sounds, but it's true.  I feel like there is supposed to be so much more but I don't have it.

I feel shame that I have this vision, these prayers, and this belief about SOMETHING happening but I have no receipts.

I feel shame that at 32 years old my romantic life looks the same as it did when I was a teenager: Barren, hopeless, lonely, and absolutely dead.

I feel shame that I'm not where I expected to be at this stage in my life.

Accepting my shame

As Pastor Bob wrote our first inclination is to despise our shame.  I'm embarrassed by my shame.  I feel like a woman of faith and who claims to believe shouldn't feel shame. She should be bold and proud, but I'm human.

I'm okay when I'm alone but when people say ________________ is getting married. Are you dating anybody?  I don't like talking about it because it just makes me feel about 3 feet tall. 

I don't like explaining it to people..."Well see I believe that SOMETHING is going to happen and I'm going to have this life partnership that's going to IMPACT people and bring Glory to God" 

 I can imagine the looks I'll get for that.

This week I accepted that I feel shame.  It's normal.  I'm human.  

Moving forward past shame

OK I hate my shame and I've accepted that I feel shame.  What now?  I'm moving past it.  I'm not dwelling on it anymore.

Practical Life Example

With my Fitness Competition, I felt shame that I could not get it done in a certain amount of time that I gave myself.  I felt like I was a disappointment and that something was wrong with me. 

Like my coach said I am making progress every single cycle and I'm doing things right.  It's just that it's a slower process for me and that's what my body needs.  She assured me that I don't need to feel shame about not being able to get it done in the 20 weeks.  

She wants me to make sure that I am refined and really ready to hit the stage because to be perfectly honest (and I knew this all along) if I really take my time and come prepared I will do well.  I also believe that there will be opportunities if I do really well that I wouldn't have had if I just focused on my own self imposed deadline.

I hired my coach because she knows what she's doing and has a reputation for bringing her clients into shows in shape and on point.  If she says I need more time, then I need more time.  Period.  This is what a good coach does.  She makes sure that you're prepared and doesn't just put you out there because you want to do something RIGHT NOW before you're ready.  As she likes to say, her name is on the line as well.

Sound familiar?

Vindication

So we've established that I feel shame.  

When you feel shame there is a natural tendency to want vindication.  I realized that I was using this fitness competition as some sort of vindication for being rejected and trying to show people that they are wrong about me.  See look at what I've done!  Look at what I look like!  You were wrong!  I'm not a loser!

Pastor Bob said a word on vindication and he said that when God answers my prayers, it will be proven before heaven and earth that my decisions/choices were wise and that I will be vindicated.  

A-ha moment:  Here it is

I will be vindicated but not in my own strength and my own doing.  God will vindicate me.  People can laugh at my process right now and the way my life will looks, but my vindication will come from the Lord himself.  I do not need to spend my time looking for ways to vindicate myself whether it is a fitness show or getting married.

I am victorious

The song victorious by Donnie McClurkin and Tye Tribbett has been on my Ipod and in my spirit all week.  I'm not going to stop praying, believing, and sticking to God's plan because I know that I will be victorious.

There's something in me that won't let me quit.  Just like with the fitness competition, I've come too far and invested too much to throw in the towel now because the process it's taking longer than I think it should.

Do I want to settle for mediocrity and just have something to say I did it and so that I look normal in the eyes of people OR Do I want to take my time with the process and go for as long as it takes to receive EVERYTHING that God has for me.

You already know how I'm rolling!!!  I'm ready

Isaiah 49:23 - I shall not be ashamed

Then you shall know that I am the Lord.  Those that wait for me shall never be ashamed. (TLB)

I first learned this verse during one of the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies last year.  

The difference between shame and being ashamed is that shame is a temporary condition and ASHAMED is a final verdict.  

I may feel shame temporarily but I will not be ASHAMED of the final outcome.   My motivation is the glory of the God and in the end I will not be ASHAMED of how it all turns out.

I'm Ready

I am ready to keep moving forward because the breakthroughs are coming fast and furiously at this point and time.  It seems like every week, I have a new a-ha moment and new revelation.

I KNOW that SOMETHING is happening.  I don't have a clue but I know it's something.

I have felt such relief to know that I do not need to try and work to prove I'm right.  I do not need to pin  people against the wall to show them how wrong they were about my life.  They are going to see the evidence of God's power and grace all throughout my life.  I do not need to try and justify my choices or show people that I'm worthy of ANYTHING.

That is God's job and I'm going to let him handle it.

I am no longer looking for vindication because I know in the end that I will NOT be ashamed.  I shall not be ashamed of my life.

I'm ready.

To God be the Glory