Let it Go! Survivor's Guilt and the need to hold back

Survivor's Guilt

s a mental condition that occurs when a person perceives themselves to have done wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not.

A few weeks ago I asked some very close friends of mine if they ever deal with survivor's guilt.  You see my friends and I come from backgrounds that were challenging, but each of us had decided that we didn't want to go down that same road.  Of course when you decide to pick up and move forward it usually means that you will leave people, places, and things behind.

I've realized that I have not been able to enjoy my life to the fullest because I have a form of survivor's guilt.  I do feel bad that I have made the conscious effort to get more out of life. I feel like I am wrong for wanting to move on with my life and not wallow in the mire.

I also realized that I have held myself back in so many ways because I didn't want to stand out, ruffle feathers, or alienate myself further from people.

During these past few weeks, I've realized it's time to let it go.

Wanting more....

I always knew I wanted more out of life.  I wasn't going to be content with a boring job, husband that I was trying to make do with, and going to events that bored me to death and did not challenge nor enrich my life.  I figured in order for this not to happen, I was going to have to get out of dodge which I did for about 2 years.

I came back and after a while I just resigned myself to living the same mediocre, miserable, and defeated life I always feared.  Oh I went full force with it.  I decided to really wallow in the mire.  Before that happened, I had gone to Europe and was really moving along in my fitness business.  Somewhere along the way though  I had believed the lie that this was all an exercise in futility.

You don't deserve that lifestyle

You're wrong

You owe it to others to stay back with them

Nothing better is going to come along.

Thankfully I hit rock bottom one day and asked myself 

"WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"  

Yes What in the HELL was I doing because that's where this whole ridiculous season came from.  

Anyway long story short,  things turned around after that and each year I have grown stronger and stronger in my resolve.

Survivor's Guilt

My form of survivor's guilt is the idea that somehow I am not supposed to enjoy my life because all around me are people who gave up, are miserable and defeated. I subconsciously feel that it's wrong of me to be excited about the future because shouldn't I stay back with them?  Shouldn't I worry about them and what they are doing?  Aren't I wrong for saying, "Well I didn't make those decisions so I don't have to live with them.  I need to focus on doing what I am called to do".

I struggle with it because I do feel bad that I have began to see a remarkable turnaround in my life but yet people around me are still stuck like chuck without a buck.  I feel guilty about thinking about what lies ahead for me instead of worrying about this one or that one.

When I asked my friends about this, they all said they understood where I was coming from.  It's a tough thing to be the first one to say: " Not me, Not today."  People don't understand where you're coming from and you are faced with ridicule, mean spirited comments, and people are happy when you fail because it validates that "It's all a waste of time anyway"

Dealing with Alienation

Part of survivor's guilt is dealing with alienation.  Either people aren't going to understand where you're coming from and you'll be spending a lot of time alone or you try to spend time with other people and they spend the entire time cursing your dreams, putting you down, or making you feel even more guilty for not staying on stuck .

Either way it goes when you're dealing with survivor's guilt, you will be spending a lot of time away from some of the people who are closest to you in your life.  

It got to the point this year where I finally drew a boundary line:  No thank you for your advice. I do not need your help. Let me mess up and figure it out on my own.  I don't need anymore of your input.  There was silence after that and I'm not surprised.  Once you have made it CLEAR that there is no more negative input allowed, what else is there to say?

Holding Back

During this time I realized that I have been sitting on a LOT of my gifts for several reasons

1) I have been too inwardly focused on fixing my issues -  I keep saying this, but it is true.  I have spent so much time trying to fix what is wrong with me so I could get whatever it is that I wanted that I did not use my gift to help other people.  

2) I didn't believe anyone would care or it didn't mean anything - I couldn't have been more wrong.  I have silenced myself because I figured what I had to say was stupid, silly, and would have no impact.  Clearly I was wrong.  I have gotten random comments from people who say that they have read my blog posts and how it has inspired them.

3) I was afraid of being even more different -  I was scared to ruffle feathers or stand out because  I am different.  That's a great thing, but you see I've listened for so long to people who have tried to make me believe there is something wrong with me when really it is the exact opposite.

4) I was too comfortable and not willing to risk looking foolish - I really enjoy writing these blogs because I feel that I can be transparent and I feel like many people can identify with what I have been going through, but that comes with risk:  No I am not all together and I am not perfect.  Do I want people to know all about what goes on inside of this brain?  Before I would have said no because maybe that would have messed up my chances to find a husband, but now I think YES!  I want people to know about my struggles because I believe there is a reward on the other side.

Letting it Go to Enjoy Life

I confessed to my friends that I find it hard to enjoy life because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Growing up my frame of reference was wallowing in the mire.  Being excited and happy was something that you didn't want to do too much of because when you did, it was probably from the devil.  I grew up always waiting for something bad to happen and spoil my excitement because that's how we rolled.

Relationship counselors often say that people who grew up in dysfunctional environments do not know how to enjoy functionality.  If a relationship is going smoothly, then they have to sabotage it in some manner because they know how to deal with strife and drama but not contentment and excitement.

I did not grow up in a functional environment so I don't really know what it looks like, but I know what I want it to look like and I keep praying that this inner work that's going on will help make me into the woman that is functional.  

I find it hard to enjoy my life.  I keep looking around the corner waiting for something to happen so that I can go back to feeling bad again and I can identify with the stuck like chuck crowd.

It has been a daily process, but I am working on it each day whether it is just deciding to move forward with my plans for the fitness competition,  planning a trip with my fitness team in the Fall, expanding my enterprises.  I did not allow myself to think about doing these things before because I felt bad for traveling or doing more when all around me people are stuck.

I am determined to let it go!  I have a bright future ahead and I am refusing to let the dream stealers steal my dream.

I wanna dance more than before!

I wanna help people more than before!!!

FREEDOM!!!

No more shackles! No more Chains!  No more survivor's guilt!

To God be the Glory