Let it go! Acknowledgment, Purge, and Don't get caught up in the details

The Oscar winning song "Let it Go" from Frozen is beloved by children, but really it's become a cathartic anthem for many adults (myself included). Today I was listening to the lyrics and I was floored.  One of my favorite lines is:

I know I left a life behind

But I'm too relieved to grieve

That line needs it's own blog post because there is so much truth in that statement, but maybe next time.  

I would like to share a breakthrough I've had over the last few days about letting go of an issue I have held onto for too many years. My perspective has changed and things are different.  I am ready to let it go.

It all started with a dream....

A few nights ago I had a dream in which I asked the question that I had been too afraid to voice out loud.  I wanted to hear the reason why certain things transpired the way they did.  I don't remember the response that was given in the dream and that said it all.  

It didn't matter why and I need to let it go.

When I woke up the next morning, I wrote in my journal "That felt like the final purge.  That wasn't the road I was supposed to travel.  I need to let this go."

I couldn't get my mind off of the dream.  There was no answer or no resolution, but my subconscious mind was still wrestling with this issue.  I was still holding on to rejection, defeat, and hopelessness.

and a Facebook discussion

Yesterday on Facebook someone posted the question about settling.  This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart so of course I had to chime in.  I talked about how the criteria that the person posted was superficial and surface area criteria.  I talked about how what's important to me: 

• Is my partner's purpose aligned with mine, 
• Is he connected to God for the ultimate looooove connection
• Does he stir me up with his vision for life, 
• Is he passionate about anything?  What's he passionate about?  
• What gets him out of bed in the morning?

Then of course I thought about how I would not be mad if he looked like the man formerly known as Brother Bad News and now just known as Mr.Excitement.  Clearly I am not above getting all worked up about physically attractive people!  I am especially not above getting worked up about people who fit every single criteria for physical attractiveness on my list like Mr. Excitement.  Every.  Last.  One.  

OK I am getting off track here...ANYWAY

So after that discussion, that night I decided to write in my vision journal about how I did not want to be in a relationship that was based on surface level criteria.  I talked about what I discussed above and then I went deeper into connection.

Power Connection, Selfish Ambition, and Destruction

I talked about how I desired a powerful connection.  I want it to be tangible.  I want people to be able to see it and sense it without us saying one word.

I acknowledged experiencing this before  and right then it felt as if a weight lifted off of my shoulders.  I couldn't figure out why.  As I began to write it became more and more clear. 

Power Connection

I then began to break through and began to write about how a power connection that is based on ego and selfish ambition will lead to destruction. If it is all about me and what I am going to get out of it, then the power connection will not fulfill it's purpose.  I began to understand that for my destiny to occur the way it needs to unfold that I must go through a process to be humbled.  I can't have an ego.  I can't bully, manipulate, or storm my way into my destiny.  I must let that selfish ambition go.

Selfish Ambition

Admittedly my reasons for wanting a relationship were all selfish.  I wanted to be in a relationship to:

• prove to others that there is nothing wrong with me
• prove to myself that I am not inferior or rejected
• check another accomplishment off of my resume
• Take Credit for yet another great thing I did
• Increase my brand value

As I've shared on this blog, once I realized those were my reasons for wanting to be married it was time for a perspective change.  I want to be present and connected in the relationship.  I want to be FUNCTIONAL and not just have the title on my resume.  I want my marriage to make an IMPACT.

This is why I am so thankful to be going through this process.  I understand it now and I am no longer fighting it.  In order for me to be that which I am called, I have to surrender my ego, swallow my pride, and my own selfish ambition.  It is not all about me.  Our Bishop said it right on Sunday:  

True love is selfless.  Boom.

I have to be humbled and let my selfish ambition go.  I have to consider other people's feelings.  Now a year ago I would have never thought to apologize to Mr. Excitement about my rabid dog behavior.  I thought he should apologize to me for getting me so worked up without anything happening, but now I get it.  I was not genuinely interested in him as a human being.  I was genuinely interested in my hormones.  I did not demonstrate care and concern about his feelings or his story.  I was just focused on hitting my goal.  I just feel terrible about the way I acted.

Destruction

A Power connection is so strong that the people have no control over it.  It's just there.  It is magnetizing and inexplicable, but used for the wrong purpose it will lead to destruction.

As these breakthroughs began to happen, I began to think about destruction.  I believe that relationships founded on selfish ambition, ego, and shallow values lead to destruction.  It leads to the destruction of the relationship and individuals if not careful.

I gave thanks to God for saving me from destruction because that's surely the road I was traveling on with the way I was thinking.

Something told me to look up the opposite definition of Destruction.  This is what I found:

Creation

Construction

Revival

Improvement

RESTORATION

It was that last word that gave me pause.  I have said on this blog that the word you need to remember when it comes to me and my marriage is:  RESTORATION

Don't Get Caught up in the Details

Christians have a bad habit of labeling things.  Well I prayed for a car and the light turned red so God wants me to get a Red Car.

As a linear thinker, I struggle with being judgmental and conclusive. I have already decided the answer and don't wait for God to show me what he means.  I just label it and come to my own conclusions.  Positive or Negative.  This leads to me getting very frustrated as I try to figure everything out. (and I am usually wrong)

Remember circumstances don't matter

During this last round of perspective change, I realized that circumstances don't matter.  I'm not so much as caught up in the who or what of the situation as I was before.  I am now looking at everything as a learning experience.  

I went to a workshop on Friday where the leader said:  Never miss an opportunity to learn and grow.

Throughout the years I have gotten too caught up in who and what of my experiences.  Perhaps I've had certain experiences so that I know what to look for and not settle for less.

LET IT GO!!!

It was indeed the final purge of that issue in my life and I can say proudly that I no longer look at it as Rejection, Defeat, and Hopelessness

I have LET IT GO!!!!

To God be the Glory