Week 1: A Confident Heart Online Bible Study - Isaiah 49:23b

Yikes.

We're only on Week 1 of this study of A confident Heart and I'm already in pretty deep.  This study is bring a lot to the surface, but these are things that are the root cause of why I haven't been able to move forward.

The 2 big strongholds that have surfaced during this week are:

• Expecting/Fearing Disappointment
• Rejection

Expecting/Fearing Disappointment

Over the years, I  have learned to expect disappointment.  I don't expect things to work out for me, so I like to prepare myself for the letdown.  By the time I've finished reasoning and intellectualizing, I've already got the answer all figured out for why this will be yet another flop.

Because I expect to be disappointed, I don't allow myself to get my hopes up because I'm afraid if I get my hopes up then I will inevitably be disappointed.

During the summer when I was experiencing revival in my spiritual life, I told God I was afraid that I had made up the entire thing .  I talked about that here.  I even found reasons why this episode was most likely a figment of my imagination.  

Even if God is blessing me, I'm looking for disappointment BECAUSE (here it comes...the root of it all)

I don't think I'm good enough to receive God's blessings

FROM THE ROOFTOP SHOUT IT OUT

Yes I'm shouting it out because I need to put this out here.  I suspect many others may feel the same as I do, but it's a shameful secret.  When you don't believe you are worthy of God's blessing, the disappointment feels right.  It feels comforting.  After all it is what you deserve.

A whacked view of God

When Renee Swope asked our view of God as a child, I had to shake my head.  The God I learned about growing up was eager to send people to Hell for a variety of reasons: using musical instruments, clapping during songs, going to a church without the right sign on the front, and just not being good enough.

Apparently things like being unkind to others/mean spirited, stealing money from senior citizens, having multiple affairs, and constant gossip and criticism of others weren't on the list of infractions.

What I got from church and my family growing up was that God was continually disappointed in me because I was disobedient and not perfect.  Of course you would never be good enough because God was recording in His notebook everything bad thing you did and He wouldn't forget it.  You had to follow all of the religious rules regarding worship and not mess up.

Even then you weren't assured of salvation.

THANK GOD I WAS DELIVERED FROM LEGALISM AND THIS FALSE TEACHING.

I know that I am not alone in this because not soon after I was delivered from this type of teaching, I found an online support group from others who had decided to leave.  It was amazing...everyone told these same stories and said the same thing about not feeling like they were ever good enough.  We were all from different backgrounds but there were so many common themes.  

Rejection

I've been rejected by people so much that I've learned to guard myself against it.  I don't let people people into my life as a means of protection.  Being vulnerable is a no-no in my world.  I've discussed that on this blog and have been making steps to be more transparent.

I also do not think I am good enough for someone to love or stay around to love me.  I figure out sooner or later they will leave and go on their merry way so why even bother letting them get close to me or I would show interest in people that I wouldn't care if they left or not because I would be better off if they did leave.

Isaiah 49:23: The word of the week

But those who hope in ME will not be disappointed.

This is a word from the Lord because I have been repeating it to myself all week.

Perspective Change

I said last week my A-ha moment was to STOP praying for results because I'm EXPECTING God to deliver results.  My prayer is to start praying for strength to hold on and keep on moving forward.

Hope in the Lord

My hope does not need to be in circumstances and results.  It needs to be in the one in charge of circumstances and results.

Over the years I've put my hope in different circumstances and results.  I've still been disappointed.

The only times I haven't been disappointed is when I look at the Lord and all he has done for my life.  Then I am thankful and can't understand how or why God is so good to me.  

My prayer moving forward is that I place my hope in the LORD and his purposes for my life because HIS PURPOSES/PLAN will bring about the results that I am expecting and praying for.  

This has been a powerful word this week and I have been speaking it out loud because the more I do so, the less opportunity I give to the enemy to present disappointment.