Let it Go! The need to justify my actions and prove I am not going to fail

I'm tired.

Part of this post comes from someone who felt like she got hit by a truck this weekend.  After talking with my coach, we determined that I am not getting enough sleep and that's a big no-no when one is training for a competition and is in a caloric deficit.  On Friday I had barely enough energy to make it through the day.  

So take it for what it's worth that some of this is coming from a caloric deficit mindset.

Today as I was driving from our awesome Resurrection Sunday service, I thought to myself: 

"I'm tired of doing this alone.  I'm tired of trying to prove everyone wrong and that I can do it all x 10.  I cannot do it all.  I need help.  I need encouragement.  I need someone to tell me I can do it and not to give up.  I need someone to speak life into me.  I'm tired of feeling like I just need to do this all by myself so I can check off more accomplishments and not look like a failure. I'm tired."

Feeling Inferior

I have been pretty open about my inferiority complex.  Sometimes I don't feel good enough to be a fitness professional and I don't feel like I'm good enough to try and do this competition.  I certainly don't feel like I'm good enough for anybody to want to date let alone marry because if I was wouldn't things be different?  Wouldn't people want to date me?

Where does all of this feeling inferiority come from?  It comes from unrealistic expectations and too much unnecessary pressure on myself.

Unrealistic Expectations

I am almost 33 years old.  By this time in my life I expected to have this fantabulous successful career, a thriving marriage, and at least one child in private school.  Why did I have these expectations?  Because   that's the bar  I set for myself.  I am a goal and results oriented person.  Those were my objectives  and I fully expected to hit them. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Things didn't quite work out like that.  I have a wonderful career and I am just beginning to bloom in it, I am not married nor am I even close to getting married so that means no child, and to top it off I still live at home.

In the deepest corners of my mind, I have failed miserably and now I feel like I'm on a hell bent mission to prove that I am not a screw up.  

Unnecessary Pressure

Who is telling me that I am a failure?  Why me of course.  I have put much too unnecessary pressure on myself.  I am exactly where I'm supposed to be and I am certainly not a failure.  I have a purpose and a mission and I'm on both.

I'm learning to let go of the unnecessary pressure and I tell myself that I just need to do the best I can every day.  I'm learning and growing every day and this pressure I'm putting on myself is not helping.  It is causing me to focus on what isn't happening and my disappointments.  This is leading me to complaining, grumbling, and frustrating.  Why not focus instead of the beautiful things that are happening.

Justification and Proving myself

Justification

This week I realized that my journey is going to look a lot different than most people's because my journey is different than most people's.  It isn't going to follow the conventional path because I'm called to be different.

I feel that I have to justify my choices in my life to people so they can understand why I'm on the path that I'm on. 

No I'm not interested in online dating

No I don't get down like that

No I'm really focused on what I'm doing right now

Taking the time to justify to people WHY I live the way that I do is just taking unnecessary energy and wasting time.

Sometimes I feel like I'm weird or crazy (and that could be true), but truthfully I feel like  I'm just in a different training space than most people.  I don't need to justify myself to people...in particular people in the cheap seats.

Proving that I am not going to fail 

I feel as if there is a group who is rooting for me to fail and I know the enemy is the head cheerleader.  After all his job is to kill, steal, and destroy.

I could be completely making this up, but I do sense this.  I feel that there is a group of people who would like nothing more than to see me fail.  All of this which I believe that I am supposed to do go up in smoke and I end up on the boulevard of broken dreams.

Therefore I always feel the need to prove that "No I am NOT losing" and let me tell you WHY I am going to win and the other people are going to lose.

This week God showed me that I don't need to prove myself to anyone.  He is the one doing the rewarding and not me.  I also don't need to armchair quarterback for anybody else because their journey is their journey and my journey is mine.  I don't need to prove why my way is right and theirs is wrong because maybe it's not wrong for them.  Maybe that's where God wants them to be.  I don't know and it's not my business.  My business is to make sure I stay on track.

In the end our lives will stand as a testimony of which path was the right one for us to follow.

Letting it Go

This is a tough one for me to let go.  I realize that much of my frustration stems from my inferiority complex and the need to justify my actions and prove I am not going to fail.

The more I don't achieve on my list and the more I try to justify WHY I am doing what I am doing, the more frustrated I become.

What am I doing about it?  A LOT of journaling...both in my prayer journal and regular journal.

I simply can't do this anymore.  I can't expend anymore energy trying to justify why I'm doing what I am doing or proving people wrong.  I want to use that energy to nurture a relationship and enjoy my life.

I'm tired of trying to prove that I can do it all and get the trophy career, husband, and children to validate it. 

I don't want to do it all.  I want help and I want to help someone else. 

I don't want trophies.  I want connection.  

I don't want convention.  I want purpose and impact.

To God be the Glory