40 Day Prayer Challenge: Wow....well that was something

I completed the 40 Day Draw the Circle Prayer Challenge during Lent and I was left with the reaction of "Wow.  That was something."

During this challenge I did things I have been afraid to do for years.  I went to the doctor and I got a tax accountant.

I was afraid to do these things because I was afraid of the outcome and I didn't know HOW things were going to turn out.  I told myself that this is not how a woman with faith behaves. She doesn't know HOW things are going to turn out but she knows WHO is in control of everything...so she does it even if she's afraid.

It turns out there were surprises with BOTH of these events...and I will share more about this in the upcoming months.

Doing these scary things also made me confront some feelings and fears that I've been hiding away for a long time in regards to my personal life.  I started questioning whether or not I really wanted these things.  Maybe I don't actually want them because I'm afraid of passing on defective genes, ending up as a failure, or worse.

What if the option was taken away from me?  How would I feel about that?

Why do I have such a fatalistic attitude toward this area of my life?

Why don't I believe that  what I want IS possible?  Do I feel like I don't deserve it?

These are hard questions that I asked myself and that I am still asking myself.

All I can say is that I believe this is all leading somewhere

Circling Prayers and wandering in the wilderness

During this prayer challenge I did circle some prayers and I do think I developed an attitude like the Children of Israel.  The circumstances were not looking very good and by that I mean that this just wasn't looking like we were headed toward the promised land.  

In fact, what I was circling did not look very promising at all.  

I started off complaining and grumbling but at the end of these 40 days I'm like, "You know best. Who knows?  You may be showing me yet again..that YOU have the right answers"

Knowing what I want 

I think I know what I want but what if...What I want is settling?  

What if what I want is because I don't think I deserve what I actually DO want?

Even though I am determined to go with the flow, be in the now, and surrender in obedience there's a part of me that feels like I'm settling.

I feel as though what I want is not possible so I am going to settle.
I don't deserve what I actually want so I am going to settle.

Part of what has happened during this last 40 days is that I started looking around.  Much like the children of Israel I began to look around and focus on what wasn't happening, what I don't like, and how it's not looking very promising.

I know I'm being vague but this is important.

Maybe the answer to the prayer I was circling was: This isn't what you want.  It's settling.

Say No

This year at the Goals Gathering and Gala for my business community we drew cards for the rest of the year and my card said, "Say No".  

I was surprised.  I thought my card would say:  "Dream Big...Reach for the stars...No excuses..."

But it said, "Say No"

After doing this prayer challenge I wonder what that means.  I wonder if it means to, "Say No" to a situation that I THOUGHT was ideal and part of God's will but after being honest with myself and what I want the answer is:  "Say No"

After doing this prayer challenge I feel myself wanting to Say No to a lot.  

Best Month Ever!

During this challenge there were some big milestones.  It feels like clients are raining from the sky and I had my best month ever in March! 

I really feel as if I am growing and doing the right things in regards to business but it's always been like that.  I have always believed that what I want is possible when it comes to my professional life because I am smart, willing to put the work in, believe in personal and business development, and I truly believe that I am moving towards the success trajectory.

Even when I have been discouraged and felt defeated, I have believed that what I want is possible.  

Not with Everything though....

It has NOT been like that with other parts of my life.  Maybe I've felt like I don't deserve the other part of my life because I am not good enough.  

Because I don't feel like I am good enough, I end up wanting to settle or just not deal with it at all.  At the root of it all I don't feel like what I want in my personal life is possible.  I don't.

Keep Moving forward

This post feels like it's all over the place.  I am going to keep moving forward.

I'm going to have to confront some of my inner most doubts and fears

I am going to have to get firm and clear on what I want.  

I'm going to have to believe that I deserve what I want and not settle because settling is better than nothing.

I'm going to have to believe that what I want is possible.