Single Journey: Not Falling for the Bill of Goods
During the Husband Project it was obvious that I wasn't marriage material. Anytime you say: Why would I do any of this when I am not getting anything in return? It's time to do some personal development.
The Husband Project was helpful for me to understand why you would perform these acts of service and how important it is to not be self seeking in marriage.
So this brings me to my latest reading project: Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages.
I did not grow up in a home where I saw a healthy model of marriage and nobody around us seemed to have that either. From that experience, I formed the belief that marriage cost far more than it rewarded. It seemed that most of the people I knew then and even now have lost far more than they have gained in marriage.
As I have gotten older and more single, it is safe to say that I have grown more cynical. I don't believe all of these "happily ever after" stories that people like to post to Facebook and I consider most weddings a complete waste of time and money. It may make me sound like a bitter Betty that I say these things out loud but it is true and there is research to back me up on why I feel like this.
According to Gary Chapman in the 5 Love Languages, the "I love you so much" euphoric love stage only lasts 2 years before reality sets in. Chapman says that is when TRUE LOVE begins because that's when you have to CHOOSE your partner every day and also serve them rather out of your choice to love them over just being giddy crazy in Love. That's where the Husband project comes in. The whole point of that is to focus on serving your husband not out of obligation or duty but out of your CHOICE to love him.
As far as weddings a recent report stated that The debt from an average wedding in the U.S. ($32,641) now outlasts the duration of an average marriage in the U.S.
Last week a study that will appear in a sociology journal said that a person's wealth can decrease 77% if they get a divorce...and with a 50/50 chance of that happening that's pretty serious stuff
So I am not off in my thinking. I've rejected our society's marriage and happily ever after narrative. No, I don't believe marriage is the answer to all of our problems and I don't think being married will make you happy. It seems to have the opposite effect!
To Be Fair it's not the marriage that is the issue. It's the people in the marriages that are the problem.
What if people researched what it took to be a good husband or wife? What if they recognized their own shortcomings and pledged to develop themselves and grow so that they could be the best versions of themselves and thus attract a like minded partner?
I'm finding that the older I get the less enthralled I am with the idea of getting married and having children. It seems as though it would stifle my freedom of doing what I like to do alone, taking bold risks, and I think American culture sells women a bill of goods when it comes to marriage.
I've gone on record saying that I would rather pass on marriage and kids if it has no purpose or meaning. I know many women my age and older start to get anxious when they feel their windows for marriage/kids starts to close and so they settle for the "get by" option and it ends up costing them far more in the end.
Over the summer I watched a story on 60 Minutes with a woman who said that she was at the same place in life and all of her friends decided to marry because they were afraid of not doing it. Instead of going that route, this woman decided to move to Africa and adopt a whole village of children and run a school. Her friends are all divorced now.
It's hard to go against the grain when our society constantly sends out the message that love/relationships are the keys to happiness and something is wrong with women that don't have that.
In my research I've also found that Millennials are shunning marriage and having children. That's not an accident. Many millennials are people who grew up in families that experienced divorced and were generally unhappy. Who wants that? People say that millennials are selfish and self centered for that but I don't see it like that: Who wants to be in unhappy relationships and have children that you resent just because that's what "NORMAL" people do?
They haven't fallen for the bill of goods
The Husband Project was helpful for me to understand why you would perform these acts of service and how important it is to not be self seeking in marriage.
The 5 Love Languages
So this brings me to my latest reading project: Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages.
I did not grow up in a home where I saw a healthy model of marriage and nobody around us seemed to have that either. From that experience, I formed the belief that marriage cost far more than it rewarded. It seemed that most of the people I knew then and even now have lost far more than they have gained in marriage.
As I have gotten older and more single, it is safe to say that I have grown more cynical. I don't believe all of these "happily ever after" stories that people like to post to Facebook and I consider most weddings a complete waste of time and money. It may make me sound like a bitter Betty that I say these things out loud but it is true and there is research to back me up on why I feel like this.
According to Gary Chapman in the 5 Love Languages, the "I love you so much" euphoric love stage only lasts 2 years before reality sets in. Chapman says that is when TRUE LOVE begins because that's when you have to CHOOSE your partner every day and also serve them rather out of your choice to love them over just being giddy crazy in Love. That's where the Husband project comes in. The whole point of that is to focus on serving your husband not out of obligation or duty but out of your CHOICE to love him.
As far as weddings a recent report stated that The debt from an average wedding in the U.S. ($32,641) now outlasts the duration of an average marriage in the U.S.
Last week a study that will appear in a sociology journal said that a person's wealth can decrease 77% if they get a divorce...and with a 50/50 chance of that happening that's pretty serious stuff
So I am not off in my thinking. I've rejected our society's marriage and happily ever after narrative. No, I don't believe marriage is the answer to all of our problems and I don't think being married will make you happy. It seems to have the opposite effect!
To Be Fair it's not the marriage that is the issue. It's the people in the marriages that are the problem.
What if people researched what it took to be a good husband or wife? What if they recognized their own shortcomings and pledged to develop themselves and grow so that they could be the best versions of themselves and thus attract a like minded partner?
Not Falling for the Bill of Goods
I'm finding that the older I get the less enthralled I am with the idea of getting married and having children. It seems as though it would stifle my freedom of doing what I like to do alone, taking bold risks, and I think American culture sells women a bill of goods when it comes to marriage.
I've gone on record saying that I would rather pass on marriage and kids if it has no purpose or meaning. I know many women my age and older start to get anxious when they feel their windows for marriage/kids starts to close and so they settle for the "get by" option and it ends up costing them far more in the end.
Over the summer I watched a story on 60 Minutes with a woman who said that she was at the same place in life and all of her friends decided to marry because they were afraid of not doing it. Instead of going that route, this woman decided to move to Africa and adopt a whole village of children and run a school. Her friends are all divorced now.
It's hard to go against the grain when our society constantly sends out the message that love/relationships are the keys to happiness and something is wrong with women that don't have that.
In my research I've also found that Millennials are shunning marriage and having children. That's not an accident. Many millennials are people who grew up in families that experienced divorced and were generally unhappy. Who wants that? People say that millennials are selfish and self centered for that but I don't see it like that: Who wants to be in unhappy relationships and have children that you resent just because that's what "NORMAL" people do?
They haven't fallen for the bill of goods
Still Learning and Growing...
I am really enjoying reading the 5 Love Languages because much of this is foreign to me. Perhaps my own love tank is empty and that's why I'm just so whatever. I've only gone through 2 of the Love Languages so far and I know neither one of them is my Love Language.
The first two I've gone through are: Words of Affirmation and Quality Time
For me Talk is Cheap so someone giving me words of affirmation means NOTHING...ZERO. Growing up religious I heard from people all the time "I love You" and this was from people who had never had ONE serious conversation with me. It was all lip service. Furthermore I've heard "I love you" and actions didn't match up with it so for me it's all blowing smoke.
Quality Time is whatever too because I like to be alone and do things on my own. If anything, I hate being feeling trapped or smothered
So neither of these are it.
I look forward to figuring out what it is....It's all a process of learning and growing! Don't let anyone rob you of that experience by trying to pressure you into dating or finding someone. Most people would avoid a lot of their drama if they spent their time learning about themselves and growing rather than being solely focused on finding a partner.
So I'm still learning and still growing and seeing where all of this takes me!
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