Avoiding the Comparison Trap: The Downward Spiral and how to get over it.

On Sunday there was an altar call for those  who felt like they had been disqualified, missed out on opportunities, and felt that their ship has come and gone.  It's all over so you may as well call the people from Hoarders.

That is a terrible feeling.  I know because I've been there.

I was nodding my head vigorously while the Pastor was talking because sometimes we feel that we aren't where we want to be  in life because: 

• we're not good enough 
• we've messed up too badly
• it just isn't meant to be

Comparisons and When others rub it in your face

I try to avoid comparing myself because honestly I don't know what people have done to get where they are.  I don't even know if that's what would be the best situation for my life.  I just know that they have something that I wanted to have and I don't have it

As kids nothing feels worse than when someone says, "Look at _________, how come you can't be more like ____________".  

Really what YOU hear is:  "You're not as good as __________ and I don't like you as much".  Immediately we begin to feel inferior.

I wish I could say this stops when we are adults, but it doesn't.  Have you ever been in a conversation that goes something like this.  

"Boy Lisa sure is doing well right now.  She just became the CEO of Microsoft and married a Tom Brady Look a like who made Forbes Top Billionaire list.  They had the most fabulous platinum wedding and then left right after on their private jet to his private island.  I'm sure when they get back the will really enjoy their new house in Beverly Hills and did you know Prince is their neighbor?  She sure was smart.  You and Lisa were such good friends...I wonder what would have happened if you had stayed on the same path as Lisa"

Meanwhile you look at your less than glamorous job, your bus pass, and your evenings filled with Real Housewives episodes on your DVR and think:  Why did I even get out of bed this morning?

What happens next begins the Downward Spiral

Step 1:  Feeling Lower than Dirt

Let's get it straight:  These types of conversations are not meant to inspire.  If they were, then you would hear about Lisa's struggles and triumph over these obstacles.  These types of conversations are meant to rub in your face about how you really should feel lower than dirt because frankly Lisa has THE LIFE and yours sucks.

So you're feeling lower than dirt?  Check!  Now on to step 2.

Step 2: Have a Pity Party

If you're feeling terrible about yourself, what better way to celebrate than to host your own pity party!!  You have a right to feel sorry for yourself. Look at your life compared to Lisa's?  It's horrible.  You don't have anything.  You may as well give it up because it never will get any better.  Life sucks and you got the short end of the stick.

Step 3: Get angry and Bash Lisa

After you've felt sorry for yourself now it is time to get angry:  You are RIGHT to be angry.  You did everything you were supposed to do and you have nothing.  Lisa went out and did whatever she wanted to do and she ends up with the semi charmed life while you end up with NOTHING.  It isn't fair and someone needs to pay.

Besides you know the TRUTH about Lisa.  She lies, cheats, and is manipulative.  This entire operation will come crumbling down sooner or later and then everyone will see that her life wasn't so great after all.

Step 4:  Get defensive and vow that you will take on the whole world

Well you know what?  If Lisa became the CEO of Microsoft then you are going to live in a commune and give away all of my riches to the poor  Who needs a Tom Brady look a like?  You can stay single because then it will be easier to become the next Mother Theresa!  Narrow is the way!

Step 5:  Complain and Grumble every day: Live in Bitterness

Every day you think about Lisa and her fabulous life.  Every day you complain about your terrible job, your bus pass, why you can't find someone who looks like Tom Brady, etc.  Every day you grow more and more bitter about your plight in life while facebook stalking Lisa to look for any signs of the impending implosion

STOP!  IT'S A TRAP

This is all a trap.

As I said these conversations are not meant to inspire.  They are meant to MAKE you feel bad.  Every single thing that was mentioned was surface level.  You did not hear one word about how Lisa is really doing on the inside.  You are comparing HER outside with YOUR inside.  You don't know what Lisa's inner life is like.

If this was a conversation meant to inspire and encourage you would hear:  "Boy Lisa has really turned things around. Just 2 years ago she was broke, miserable, and lonely.  She really decided to get her life on track and now look at her."

How come you didn't hear that? 

I will tell you why.  These people are not concerned with Lisa's inner life.  They don't know and they don't care.  

How to get over it

Step 1: Acknowledge other's successes and leave it at that

All you need to say is:  "That's great!  I really wish Lisa the best."

Usually this is not enough to stop the people, but if you start arguing back with them they will know they have gotten your goad.

Step 2: Realize that you're on your own path

You're right where you supposed to be.  If you had Lisa's life, it would be a disaster because her path is not your path.  The only person you need to compare yourself to is: YOU  The goal should be to be further than you were last year, last month, or even last week

Step 3: Consider the Source

When I've had these types of conversations, the people egging it on have usually had very little going on themselves.  I always say that we should consider the source because sometimes people want to bring us over to misery do nothing island right along with them.

Step 4: Don't Envy Them, Pray for Them

I received this word and this stopped the downward spiral:  "Don't envy them.  Pray for them" We just don't know what people had to do to get where they are.  We have no idea what happens once they are in their homes.  How many times have we seen people with these perfect lives have it all fall apart.  Everyone is shocked:  "We had no idea".  Right.  You have no idea so instead of envying people, pray for them.  Encourage them when you see them.

Step 5: GET YOUR MIND RIGHT and FOCUS ON YOUR OWN PREPARATION

All of the time you're wasting facebook stalking Lisa waiting for impending doom and stewing in bitterness is time that you should be spending preparing for your own blessing.

This entire exercise about Lisa revealed more about you than it did the people who were rubbing it in your face.  What did it reveal?

• anger
• bitterness
• resentment
• pride
• envy
• inferiority complex
• pessimism
• negativity

You cannot form proper relationships with people if you have these things in your heart because the more we deal with others, the more these things will manifest in your relationship.  Let's say you do embark on a relationship:  You'll be angry because this person doesn't look like Tom Brady or make as much money as Bill Gates.  It still won't be as good as what Lisa has.

WIth the comparison trap, it is never enough and you will NEVER be happy

With that said

Don't let other people get to you.  Don't allow people to make you feel badly about where you are in life.  As long as you're trying to improve and do better than before, that's a step in the right direction.

Focusing on other people will get you no closer to your goals.

To God be the Glory