Rant: Selling False Promises to Christian Single Women
Can I be honest here?
I find myself so annoyed by the marketing to Christian Single Women. "Well if you pray harder, go to church more, tithe, and give your life to church then God MAY send you a husband. Plus here are the things you need to do to fix yourself so a man will be attracted to you. "
For one thing the ratio of women to men in church does not support most of the single sisters in church finding a man. I reported earlier in the year that churches are 60/40 women and in Black churches it's even worse 75/25. We also know that a high number of those in the 25 may not necessarily be available to women.
I have never read on these folks' pages the very real fact that you can be lonely and married. There are plenty of married people who are alone because their spouses have emotionally abandoned them.
They focus on the fact that being single is painful and then present a solution.
Being single is painful for many women and this should be discussed but the answer for many of them is not bringing another person into their mess. It's getting their minds right and healthy.
Preying on these women's insecurities and fears about singledom is also teaching them to look to the future for contentment and fulfillment when the present is all you have. Women should not be waiting for their lives to begin when they get married.
They are going to still be waiting even into their 50's and 60's.
The Apostle Paul talked about how he has LEARNED to be content in all states. That doesn't happen overnight. You have to LEARN to be content where you are and if you're in singleville....learn to be content. If you're anxious and miserable now, then you will be anxious and miserable married.
We do not find our self-worth, salvation and contentment in other people. It can enhance our lives but we will become disillusioned relying on others to fill our empty places.
I really don't believe people are qualified to teach on marriage until they've made it at least 10 years. I think a major problem with marketing to Christian singles are all of these people who got married yesterday teaching classes on how to be married or how to find the "one".
A danger with these types of people is selling fairy tales and without enough experience they just cannot give real life application or they act like marriage is the answer to all of their problems.
I've made up in my mind that I would rather be a lifetime single than a Lifetime Miserable Wife. It's just not worth it to me to have the TITLE of wife if I'm not all in. Others seem more worried when I say that than I am. It's true. I've seen too many lives destroyed and too many destinies derailed by people deciding that a TITLE was more important than their calling.
I find myself so annoyed by the marketing to Christian Single Women. "Well if you pray harder, go to church more, tithe, and give your life to church then God MAY send you a husband. Plus here are the things you need to do to fix yourself so a man will be attracted to you. "
None of this is true
For one thing the ratio of women to men in church does not support most of the single sisters in church finding a man. I reported earlier in the year that churches are 60/40 women and in Black churches it's even worse 75/25. We also know that a high number of those in the 25 may not necessarily be available to women.
Finding a Spouse does not need to be your primary focus
Church does a great job of making singles feel less than. It makes them feel that they've done something wrong because God is not blessing them with a spouse. This is malarkey.
As I have studied this summer and learned, being in a relationship is a lot of work. Pressuring people to get married for the title, the status, and to have sex leads to more dysfunctional relationships.
As I have studied this summer and learned, being in a relationship is a lot of work. Pressuring people to get married for the title, the status, and to have sex leads to more dysfunctional relationships.
Finding a Spouse should not be your primary focus. Your primary focus should be getting your mind and heart right for what you are purposed to do in life. If being married is a part of that, then you will prepare as necessary but if that's your primary focus you will be disappointed.
You will never find salvation in another person.
Marketing to Singles is big money
Let's not forget that marketing to singles is big money. You can write books, host workshops, charge money for conferences, and such to teach singles how to find a partner. As a matter of fact, since there are SO many single women in churches it becomes a very big money makers for Christian couples who think they have the answers or old smarmy preachers who sell false promises to believers.
With social media things appear to have gotten even worse because now you can MARKET your happy relationship to people in order to gain customers...I mean a following. Many of these people are following the same principles we follow in the health/fitness field.
Target the consumer's pain
Some single people are lonely and feel that if they could just find that right one then their lives would be better and worthy of Instagram and Facebook or they would be good Christians.I have never read on these folks' pages the very real fact that you can be lonely and married. There are plenty of married people who are alone because their spouses have emotionally abandoned them.
They focus on the fact that being single is painful and then present a solution.
Being single is painful for many women and this should be discussed but the answer for many of them is not bringing another person into their mess. It's getting their minds right and healthy.
Preying on these women's insecurities and fears about singledom is also teaching them to look to the future for contentment and fulfillment when the present is all you have. Women should not be waiting for their lives to begin when they get married.
They are going to still be waiting even into their 50's and 60's.
The Apostle Paul talked about how he has LEARNED to be content in all states. That doesn't happen overnight. You have to LEARN to be content where you are and if you're in singleville....learn to be content. If you're anxious and miserable now, then you will be anxious and miserable married.
We do not find our self-worth, salvation and contentment in other people. It can enhance our lives but we will become disillusioned relying on others to fill our empty places.
Sell False Promises
Now this is where I REALLY take exception. A lot of this teaching from these folks involves telling women to fix themselves. Whether it's lose weight, stop wearing your hair natural (I've seen that), come to church more, tithe more, follow our ministry, don't have sex, etc. and God may send you a husband.
This is legalism and it's false promises.
I fell for the lies that if I was good enough and did the right things then I would find a husband. I never did. As a matter of fact, a lot of the people I know who did follow the rules are unmarried. The ones who were "heathens" did find husbands.
You end up with a whole bunch of women sitting single on the pews wondering what they were doing wrong when they believed the hype that if they just did a,b,c,d,e,f,g that God would send them a Godly man.
It's not true and these are false promises. Besides that, you need to watch out for what kind of men that type of legalistic attitude attracts. There are lots of wolves in wolf clothing in the Christian community who think controlling = leadership and some of these ministries teach being controlled = submission.
Also any ministry telling women that they need to look a certain way in order to get a man should be put out of business. People should NOT support such nonsense.
Also any ministry telling women that they need to look a certain way in order to get a man should be put out of business. People should NOT support such nonsense.
Give Social Proof
I do think churches/ministries should do a better job of encouraging singles to find partners but this should be happening organically and not pushed as some sort of quick fix marketing tool. I think it's great that people find partners at a ministry event. I would just watch out and listen for long term results. What kind of couples are they bringing together? Solid couples or ones that crash and burn after 2 years.
People with No Qualifications/Credibility/Not Enough Experience teaching others
I really don't believe people are qualified to teach on marriage until they've made it at least 10 years. I think a major problem with marketing to Christian singles are all of these people who got married yesterday teaching classes on how to be married or how to find the "one".
A danger with these types of people is selling fairy tales and without enough experience they just cannot give real life application or they act like marriage is the answer to all of their problems.
Danger For Single Women
I think some of these singles ministries and teachings are dangerous for single women. It teaches them to idealize marriage without understanding that being in a relationship is hard work. Getting married will bring more problems than it solves.
It also teaches people to idolize others. I'm a firm believer in being your own goals. I think it's fine to draw inspiration from people as I did from the Russell Wilson and Ciara story but I won't say that they are my goals.
It also teaches people to idolize others. I'm a firm believer in being your own goals. I think it's fine to draw inspiration from people as I did from the Russell Wilson and Ciara story but I won't say that they are my goals.
These superficial teachings do not teach people to get real about what's actually holding them back from having healthy relationships. It's not that they are not following all of the rules. It's because their minds and hearts are not right.
Look at me: I thought I was following all of the rules and it turns out I am not marriage material AT ALL. I bet if we talked to more women it's not more churchgoing they need. It's more honesty and getting their mind right.
Look at me: I thought I was following all of the rules and it turns out I am not marriage material AT ALL. I bet if we talked to more women it's not more churchgoing they need. It's more honesty and getting their mind right.
A word about sex
Church people are obsessed with sex. I think too many of these ministries make sex their main focus and so people think they need to hurry up and get married so they can have sex. This is all wrong. There is more to a relationship and marriage than sex!
If that's all you're teaching people about, then no wonder their relationships are all screwed up. There is so much mess in the churches with married people sleeping around so clearly getting married will not solve the problem if this is your thing. If your mind is right, then sex will not be your primary focus.
If that's all you're teaching people about, then no wonder their relationships are all screwed up. There is so much mess in the churches with married people sleeping around so clearly getting married will not solve the problem if this is your thing. If your mind is right, then sex will not be your primary focus.
For heavens sake! People put all this emphasis on not kissing, not hugging, etc. but are you respectful to one another? Does he treat you well? That's more indicative of your relationship than legalistic rules!
Plus I've noticed something very interesting about these ministries. They love to promote the Godly man playing Captain Save A Ho to the damsel in distress. That narrative is tired. What about a woman and man coming together for a healthy relationship without the Captain Save a Ho stuff. I think it's time to say something different.
All In
I'm single. I'm over 30. I'm closer to 40 than I ever have been and I'm okay with it. It's simply not worth it to me to settle for less because of some imaginary clock or because I'm worried that I will never get married. I am also not looking for a man to play Captain Save a Ho.
I've made up in my mind that I would rather be a lifetime single than a Lifetime Miserable Wife. It's just not worth it to me to have the TITLE of wife if I'm not all in. Others seem more worried when I say that than I am. It's true. I've seen too many lives destroyed and too many destinies derailed by people deciding that a TITLE was more important than their calling.
If part of my calling is to be a wife and Mama, then it's time to get that mind right.
Besides Like I said, after last year's glimpse I am more inclined to say "I'll wait and see" than worry or think I need to make things happen.
Please refer to the above to see the depiction of the glimpse I received last year.
It may or may not happen. I don't know. Could be fools gold. I'm not worried either way. I do know that I am getting my mind right and asking God to change my stony heart so I may receive if it does happen.
I think I may be a good teacher on this because you don't hear many of these folks talking who are over 30 and don't have some captain save a ho story. We shall see!!
To God be the Glory
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