Single Sister in the City: Selfish Ambition

Funny how things tend to flow along isn't it?  You come to an a-ha moment and then a little while later you read something that confirms your epiphany.

A few weeks ago I talked about the a-ha moment where I realized that a connection borne of selfish ambition would have ultimately led to destruction.

During this morning's Bible Study, we were to look at a passage from the book of James.  When I came across this scripture, it literally stopped me in my tracks

James 4:14-16

14 But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. 15 For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic.16 For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

Can we say conviction city?  WOW!!!!!  

Earlier this year God revealed the bitter jealousy in my heart and how my entire quest to not be single was all about selfish ambition.  It was all about adding another accomplishment to my resume and getting my needs met.  The other person?  Yeah well I would pay him some attention too,  but really I wanted to make sure everyone knew there wasn't anything wrong with me, and that I was hustling along on the success checklist.

As I have dealt with the bitter jealousy in my heart, I have let a lot of it go.  I realize that I am on my own journey and  I don't need to be jealous of anyone else's journey.  I need to be thankful.  I also do not need to let bitterness take root in my life.  I was bitter because I didn't think it was fair that I have "nothing" when I've tried to do the right thing and yet others go their own way and have everything I want.

If I had what I wanted, I would miss out on what God has for me which is exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or think.

Selfish Ambition

I have really had to come to terms with this:  It is not all about me.

Let me say that again:  It is NOT all about me.

It is not all about what I can get out of situations or what I want and need from people.  It is about  how I can serve someone, how we can best help each other fulfill our purposes while considering his feelings?  What can I do to uplift this person?

Earlier this week I watched a movie called Teddy Bear.  It was about a very shy man named Dennis who is seeking love, but the women he meets are so enamored with his exterior that none of them bother to connect with him.  He finally does meet a woman named Toi that he connects with and it takes him a while but he finally is vulnerable and puts himself out there.  Toi is very patient with Dennis.  She did not ambush him or demand more immediate action.  

This movie hammered home to me that I need to be about seeking connection and not just fulfilling my hormonal desires.  I have been praying for God to take away this spirit of lust from my heart because if I am going to find connection with someone it can't be about lust.

Interestingly enough in the movie when Dennis finally decides to be vulnerable and intimate with Toi, he simply embraces her. The camera lingers on the couple and this is moment of pure intimacy. There is no sex and the scene ends with them asleep in each other's arms fully clothed.

I've been thinking about that a lot this week.  In this world, we are taught that sex is the highest form of intimacy and the characters waste no time jumping into bed.  In the movie Teddy Bear, we never see the two characters do anything more than exchange a kiss but it is obvious the two share an intimate connection which was what was most important to Dennis.

Disorder and Evil of Every Kind

The Bible says that where there is jealousy and selfish ambition there is evil and disorder of every kind.  The New Life version says that there will be trouble and every kind of wrong doing.  

As a single woman this is a red flag moment.  As single women we must not harbor bitterness and jealousy because it isn't us...yet.  We also cannot make our single journey all about our mission to get married because that is selfish ambition.  

We do not want to be another sad relationship story of trouble and every kind of evil doing.

The A-ha moments are coming fast and furious these days.  It's quite awesome.  I just pray to keep my heart and mind open.

To God be the Glory