Huge Perspective Change: Irrevocably close the doors even if it's something I want really badly....

I did it.

Today during my morning prayer time, I told God that no matter how bad I may want something to happen that I want Him to irrevocably close the door if it should not be opened.  I told him if it isn't His will, then I don't want to do it.

Yep I said it.  

Even if it's what I really really really want, but it's not what He has for me:  Close the door.

I was shocked at my own boldness

Don't Dream it's over

One of the reasons I don't like the door closing on things I really want is because I figure if it doesn't happen, then all hope is gone.  All hope is lost and that's it.  Like EnVogue once sang, I'm Never Gonna get it.

I realized if I really and truly believe that God has a plan for my life, then it is certainly not over.  What I thought I wanted wasn't what he had in mind for my life.  I can think of some prayers that I was convinced were the best way to go about five years ago.  If those prayers had come true, I would have been miserable and probably on the brink of one of those major meltdowns that would have taken years to come out of.  I would have also dragged other people down into the pit right along with me.

Suffice to say, I'm glad God did not listen to me.  When I think of this time of preparation, I think of all the wonderful clarity i am receiving.  Every night I have been writing essays about my vision in my dreams/goals notebook about: passion, connection, and being present.  With each essay, I feel like the vision is becoming more clear and tangible.

I know that I'm closer than I've ever been before and I also know it isn't going to happen like I think it will.

Refusing to be Judgmental and Conclusive

If you've been following my journey, then you know I'm a very linear thinker: If  I ask  for this and that happens, well that's it.  I have already rendered judgment and decided what God meant.  What I am learning on this sacred journey is things don't work that way.  God's ways are not mine.  Nothing makes sense in God's economy.  

It's like those folks who want to get married and then decide God told them to marry the person they've been stalking for the last year.  It's been my experience that when God wants you to know something, if you're listening you can't miss it because there is no way you could have made it up or made it happen.

So my next decision was to refuse to be judgmental and conclusive.  I just will roll with it.  I heard a great piece of advice:  Let it come rather than trying to make it happen.  When you become judgmental and conclusive, you are busy trying to make it happen and manipulate circumstances.  Rolling with it is letting it happen and then moving on that.

Yet I dare to hope...

I won't lie.  Sometimes I do get discouraged because it feels like NOTHING is happening, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  It's all of the deep inner work that is happening and that is the important part.  The inner work is changing my thoughts, habits, and perspective.  When those things change,  I  will have no reason to worry and fear that my outside circumstances will not change.

I can look to my job situation:  3 months ago I wondered what I was going to do. I had been going through a deep inner work of faith.  If I hadn't been doing that when I received the "random" phone call (it came to me.  I didn't make it happen) I had enough faith to say Let's go:  No more doubt and No more fear and the rest is history.  I am literally living the exact career vision I had written down one year ago around this time

This scripture was in my devotional from Renee Swope's "A Confident Heart" today.  (I tell ya stuff happens with that woman and her books!)

I declare it over my life today and remember that I asked God to close doors that shouldn't be opened because I want all that HE has for me.  I don't want all what I think I want because surely that would have led my destruction.  Lord Great is Your faithfulness unto me.

Lamentations 3:21-26

²¹ But this I remember, and so I have hope. ²² It is because of the Lord’s loving-kindness that we are not destroyed for His loving-pity never ends. ²³ It is new every morning. He is so very faithful. ²⁴ “The Lord is my share.” says my soul, “so I have hope in Him.” ²⁵ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the one who looks for Him.