The Power of Vulnerability

After writing my last blog post, "Let's Go Crazy" I immediately felt some anxiety.  Before today I had not planned to share the task of praying for the gentleman in front of me at church so publicly.  I only told my sister and one other sister in Christ.

The brother I prayed for doesn't even know.

As I shared in the last blog post, initially I did not want to share this on the blog for fear of looking foolish and delusional.  By sharing this in such a public forum I also run the risk of having egg on my face.  

A-ha Moment

By sharing this information I am making myself vulnerable and yes it is EXCRUCIATING.

Yes: Ms. Intellectualize, everything has to connect, and everything has to make sense is taking a pretty big risk by putting this out there.  

What's the Big Deal

What's the big deal you say?  Well as I shared several blog posts ago I did this last year except it had nothing to do with the man I was praying for.  It had everything to do with my own lust and desires. I REALLY liked the way this man looked and I wanted him for myself.  This man fit every single physical attractiveness check mark on my list.  I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE. So I decided to start praying that we could get together and then I could teach him about God and on and on and I could have what I wanted.

Let's kill two birds with one stone.  I get a hot guy and we get a new believer.  Problems solved.

I even told myself that if I got what I wanted, there were certain things I would be willing to compromise on.

To make a long story short, it all blew up in my face and taught me a very valuable lesson. We do not need to prove to people that we are worth their time AND LADIES WE NEED TO STOP CHASING AFTER MEN WHO ARE NOT INTERESTED IN US.  As Brene Brown said in her Ted Talk, one of the signs of a whole-hearted person is believing they are WORTHY of love and belonging.  I didn't believe that and I wanted to prove WHY he should like me.

 Pray for him and It's not about you

This  time had nothing to do with how the man looked or what I wanted.  The brother in the choir was sharing a very touching testimony about his struggles.  I looked up and noticed the man who sits directly in front of us. I saw someone who looked like he was hurting and needed to know God loved him and that as a child of God, he would have victory and deliverance through Christ Jesus.  

I did not pray for him right then.  It was not my job and I wasn't getting involved in it.  He could go forward to the altar if he needed prayer.  

So I rationalized and reasoned that I am not doing this again because remember what happened last time, this is all a waste of time, I made it all up...God didn't say it, it's just going to be a disappointment, I don't know him, his wife or whoever can pray for him, etc.

That night I couldn't go to sleep because God had laid him on my heart and I knew I was being selfish.  This wasn't about me.  It was about a brother in Christ who was obviously hurting and needed some encouragement, strength, and love in his life.  

So finally I shut up and I began praying.

The Power of Vulnerability

As the normal course of action when I have an A-ha moment or breakthrough, there are confirmations all around.  I was getting my hair done today and I came across an Oprah Magazine Article with Brene Brown who did a Ted Talk on the Power of Vulnerability.  I identified with so much of the article that I went home and watched the Ted Talk.

You can watch it here.  It is POWERFUL

I'm not going to recap the whole talk but several points stood out to me

• The people who have a strong sense of loving and belonging believe that they are worthy of loving and belonging

As I have shared numerous times, this is a struggle for me and I am happy to say that God is helping me to overcome this stronghold

• I have to have courage to be imperfect, treat others kindly, and be authentic

I never thought I would share so much of my private side online, on a blog that anybody can read and he honest. I am not pretending to have it together.  I'm doing it because I feel that it's necessary.  I WANT people to see the real struggle and not just the all cleaned up testimony.  

In my egotistical worldview, this  has the potential to be very embarrassing, but I'm willing to take the risk because I feel so strongly that we need folks to tell REAL stories...the good, bad, the messy, and potentially embarrassing.

• In order to be whole hearted I have to be vulnerable

This means I have to be willing to do things that have no guarantees and invest in relationships that may not work out the way I want them to.  As Lysa Terkheurst said in What happens when women say yes to God, we often think about what we will miss out on life by obeying God, but what's even scarier is what we will miss out on by disobeying God.

Truth: If I hadn't prayed when God told me to, then June 30 would NOT have happened for ME.  I'll eventually share that part as well.  (I've done a lot of sharing so I will pace myself)

Message: I cannot truly love anyone or be whole hearted if I am not willing to take the risk of being vulnerable or failing.

Hezekiah Walker's I need you to survive has been on my heart and Ipod lately and it is very timely.

I'll pray for you

You pray for me

I love you

I need you to survive

I won't harm you with words from my mouth

I love you

You are important to me

I need you to survive

To God be the Glory