Leaving Sundays: The Ebony Exodus...Dealing with Emotional Issues
The author Candace Gorham says a lot of women in church are depressed and exhausted because they work themselves to death in their every day life and in church. I suppose working in church gives them something to do but it's a shame how women keep the church going and the men want all of the authority and credit. However it is interesting that they want little of the responsibility when it all falls down.
Since I quit church I really enjoy having Sundays off and being able to get things done that day. I was churched to death as a child and I went consistently for 5 years as an adult but then I had enough when I realized I didn't want to be a part of a church community. I tried to do it and I never fit in.
As an adult, I have decided that church just wasn't a good use of my time. I have talents and gifts that I could be putting into massive action to actually help people but I don’t think Church is about massive action unless it's inwardly focused on the church itself and socializing.
I also think church leadership has their cliques that they want to be in charge. Even if the people they put in leadership roles aren’t the most qualified, these chosen ones don't challenge the status quo, they aren’t innovative risk takers, and in many cases they are related to the pastor so they stay on even to the detriment of the fellowship.
I observed that I really tried to do the serve at church thing when I was aiming to fill my voids because I was lonely and bored, but the people just weren't my cup of tea.
I also think there were too many rules and I felt like I wasn't able to be my authentic self. like to have a good time, I listen to secular music (with bad words), and I'm not super closed minded. When my life started taking off again I wanted to spend my time doing things I actually found interesting and dropped church when I realized there was no real outwardly focused action taking place.
If I'm being completely honest, then I think I also left because I realized if I wanted to get married then I shouldn't be spending most of my time in church. The men aren't there and what men are there usually don't stay for long if they're an alpha male!
I said in an earlier post that many of the women I knew from church were angry, Mean spirited, and miserable. Most were single or had lousy husbands and many did not have good relationships with their children. I do think many were depressed and so they tried to compensate by giving their all to church sometimes at the expense of their families.
I actually quit one church because of something I saw one Sunday. Now I cannot say I know all of the details but it really rubbed me the wrong way. I felt like another member was inserting herself into other folks’ drama. Clearly these people were having issues and there was a child involved and I thought it was tacky and inappropriate to do that.
Even worse one of the people never came back. I didn't blame him....that was terrible for someone to do that. I would have been HOT. Why would you do that?
It reminded me of the messy people from my legalistic background...and I said I know what this is about. NOPE.
To Blessed to Be Stressed
Gorham says that one way that black churches contribute to the development of depression in black women is by the insistence that depression is not real or that is somehow the fault of the sufferer.
While I agree with those sentiments, I also think churches do not teach people to tell the truth and be honest about their situations. They teach them to say “church answers” such as
“God is good”
“Too blessed to be stressed”
“God will take a hand in this”
“Jesus will fix it”
These women refuse to acknowledge their brokenness and their depression goes untreated for years and years eventually leading to a disappointing and bitter life.
Many of these women have unresolved issues that they never sought counseling for because I don't need a psychiatrist! I've got Jesus. I remember hearing that growing up and all I could think was you really do need to see someone if you don't want to give Jesus a bad name.
Too Blessed to be Stressed is probably the worst because this often means that the women are stressed and overwhelmed and instead of dealing with the stressors, they are pretending it doesn't exist, internalizing it, and not addressing the actual issues.
Too much Fear
I have often wondered why people stay in a church that has produced no good fruit. Why do they continue to listen to a guy whose own life is a train wreck? Why do they continue attending an institution where people are not thriving? Why do they keep going when nothing is adding up?
Because they are afraid to leave.
Fear is used to control And manipulate the people. They KNOW something something ain't right but they are afraid of leaving. I don't know if they're afraid of hell or afraid of not being have anything to believe in anymore.
Author Candace Gorham says that wherever there is fear there is emotional and psychological damage.
I agree.
Graham points out the paralysis that comes from signs and then being disappointed by those signs not exactly working out.
Since I've left church I've listened to my intuition a lot more and I think my intuition is led by the spirit and I'm more open about honoring that these days
The author does take the term “too blessed to be stressed” to task and I agree with her assessment. What they're actually saying is that they are depressed or stressed but they have to keep the act going for the audience to let everyone know they are still a good Christian.
Again many of these women refuse to tell the truth about their situations and they cannot get help.
As with so many other situations, black women find themselves in the position of not being able to get real help for real problems in the number one place they would expect to get that help-- church. Instead of being able to honestly say that they are stressed, depressed, overwhelmed, and burnt out, they have to say that they are happy and peaceful and fulfilled - Candice graham
One point I do disagree with Gorham about is that these women bear no responsibility for their situations. In many cases they do bear the majority of the responsibility for their sad state of affairs.
I agree with her that the reasons For depression that the church gives such as: not having enough faith, reading their bibles, enough, not enough church going, or giving tithes aren't true but many of these women need to take responsibilities for their own poor choices and stop blaming everyone else for their lot in life. If they did this, then they would see they aren't victims and can change their lives.
But if they did this then the church would not have such a powerful hold over them and they would not need church to anesthetize their problems or get caught up in pastor worship
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