Live From the Wilderness: Hard Truth #2 - Facing the demons head on

I recently completed the online Bible Study A Confident Heart and early on in the Bible Study I identified rejection and expecting disappointment as two strongholds that are on my life.  Part of the wilderness process is to do battles with demons and God wasted no time starting this battle.

For much of my life I faced rejection and I vowed that I would not be rejected any longer. I told myself that I would work harder and accomplish what I set out to do.  It has worked in many of areas in my life.  I have accomplished much of what I set out to do.  

• I look the way I wanted to look
• I work doing what I love doing
• I finished college
•  I've traveled to places I always wanted to see  

I did nearly all of these things on my own with little to no support.

HOWEVER

There has been one area that I have had ZERO success in.  The area of my life which has been the absolute failure and black spot. (People love to remind me of this as well)

Relationships:  Specifically male and female relationships

It is this area that I have had no success in.  It didn't matter whether I wore a size 16 or a size 6, nothing has changed since my adolescent years in this area.

The root of all

When I was in High School I identified very strongly with many of the objectives of feminism.  I think it's a disgrace that girls/women have to dumb themselves down, reject ambition, and settle for being less than in order to appear attractive to men.

Growing up in a legalistic religion that taught that the only qualifications to be a leader is a twig and berries also fueled my rejection of the status quo.  It was just terrible to watch men who did not study nor could put together any type of lesson be called on to preach to the people just because he is a man. 

I remember thinking early on that I would be a better song leader and teacher/preacher than most of the men I watched growing up.  I knew other women who were waaaaay more qualified to teach and lead than the men I saw, but would never get to touch people with their gifts JUST because they were women.

All of this combined with watching what was going on in my household made me even more than cynical towards relationships.

I have rejected the status quo when it comes to relationships.  I don't believe that women should have to compromise who they are and what they've been called to do so that they can live happily ever after.  One of the reasons I love the Professional Business Women of California conference that I attend every year is because they are really out there stressing to women that the biggest career decision you make is marriage.  If you do not have a partner that is your partner, then you will not be successful.

This is a message that needs to be taught!  As a Christian, I feel even more passionate about marriage.  Our marriages are also at 50% divorce rate and I think a lot of this has to do with too much teaching about women submitting and not teaching the men HOW to be a man who a woman should submit to.  It has everything to do with his submission to God.  I rarely heard this, but I sure heard a lot about wives submitting to their husbands!  This is another blog post.

Facing Demons

I just wanted to give a background on who I am and how I think.

During the time of the Wilderness, I've already had some pretty big A-ha moments and I am already doing battle with these inner demons.  We saw that went Jesus went to the wilderness he had to do battle with Satan and he won.  Jesus was weak and hungry when he faced Satan, but he kept speaking the word of God and Satan was done.  

I will tell you this:  My faith is here, but it's weak and precarious.  The enemy knows this.  The thoughts are creeping in. 

• Why should I believe any different than what I've already experienced:  Nothing has happened or will happen. 
•  I'm never going to be what men want and I'm never going to be good enough even though I accomplish more and more success. I've always had to earn my way through and that doesn't appear to be working.

Demon of: You should give up because there is no promised land.

Now the core of the Israelites problem was that they did not believe there was going to be a promised land.  They were convinced that Moses brought them out into the wilderness to die (which is ultimately what happened for many of them).  God had done all of these miraculous signs and wonders to get them out of Egypt and they wanted to go back to slavery because they figured they never were going to get to the promised land.  These people kept complaining against Moses  and coming up with plans to go back to Egypt because they figured the promised land was a made up fantasy.

I have had to face whether or not I believe all that God has shown me.  During this past week, I have thought like the Israelites.

• There is no Promised Land for you.  You made it all up and you're going to end up disappointed.  Why believe anything good will happen?  It hasn't before and it won't now.  Sure some pretty interesting things happened, but you're no closer than you were last year.
• You've tried to do things like God says and you still are no better off.  Maybe you should give up your spiritual journey.  It doesn't seem to be working.

Demon of:  Facing what I really think about myself deep down inside

I once read a Beth Moore quote that said, "The enemy knows deep down what you think about yourself and he tries every way possible to make you believe it"

God knew that the Israelites did not believe that He was going to bring them into the promised land and so when those scouts came back with that negative report and scared everyone to death (literally) the people immediately went into despair because this terrible report confirmed what they really thought.

This past week I have had to face what I think deep down inside: I don't think I'm good enough so because of this I think

• I do not believe that I will ever be married or have children. 
• There's obviously something wrong with me because nobody wants me. 
• I'm not willing to compromise my purpose for a marriage and so I will never be what a good wife should be.
• I will end up like those women who wonder what happened @ 50

I've realized that God sends our own scouts who like to spread negativity to us so that He can reveal what we really think down deep inside. He forces us to put it out on the table. I'm glad God is so much more merciful these days and doesn't kill us off when we consider what they've said.  I've asked for grace and strength to deal with these issues.  

Dealing with the scouts are another blog post.

Demon of: Complaining Against God

Moses made an interesting point to the Israelites after yet another complaining session:

Exodus 16:8

Then Moses added, “The Lord will give you meat to eat in the evening and bread to satisfy you in the morning, for he has heard all your complaints against him. What have we done? Yes, your complaints are against the Lord, not against us.”

I started thinking that my complaints weren't against the "scouts".  Yes it was annoying, but the "scouts" did serve a purpose:  To reveal who I was really complaining against.

My complaints are against God.

• I do not believe He really has a plan and that it is any good.
• I do not believe he will bring deliverrance in my life
• I believe that he brought me out here and got me on this journey to be disappointed and humiliated.

My complaints are all a result of unbelief.

The next course of Action

I poured out my heart to God about all that I really thought and I prayed for grace and strength so that I can be refined through this process.  

I'm doing this prayer challenge which I will be updating you on weekly.  It is only the first week and things have been crazy already.  I can't even believe all of what's been happening.  Anyway, I know my prayers are being heard because I couldn't even make this stuff up.  I couldn't even make this stuff happen.

Just like the children of Israel, I will see a miracle and then get distracted and discouraged about what ISN'T happening. 

Following the example of Jesus, I'm planning to win this battle out here in the wilderness with Satan and then proceed onto doing what I've been called to do.

To God be the Glory,

Amen