Pandemic Chronicles #24: 2020 was the End of a Thing...For Me

 In the Bible the number 40 generally symbolizes a period of testing, trial or probation. 

In the Year of our Lord 2021, I will be 40 years old.  I have been tempted to meltdown about this fact because so much has not happened yet and yet it seems like everything is happening at once.

Instead of looking at it as "You're running out of time", I'm beginning to think that this year was the end of a thing for me.  It was the end of testing, wandering in the wilderness, and even the end of this mindset I've had for so many years.  

I declared Psalm 105:19 over my life this year and I truly do believe this is the word of the Lord.  

Until the time came to fulfill his dreams,[a]
    the Lord tested Joseph’s character.

Some of the Character Questions: 

Am I really in this for the glory of God or for the glory of me? 

Would I drop out of my walk with God if what I wanted to happen did not happen?

What if I was wrong about what I thought was the well of God?  (I believe I was and I kept it moving because God's ways are better)

What if you know that you know something is as wrong as two left shoes and have no proof?  What do you do then?  Do you go in accusing?  No, you pray and don't say because if you're right, then God will take care of it.  I said if God is cleaning house n 2020 then some things would have to go....and He was and they did.

I have learned so many things this year:

God is Faithful to Provide

We don't need to Rain down judgment on people.  God will take care of it

Let Go of Your own Narratives and Understanding  

Trust God's Plan even when it makes no sense

I can show up as myself and be fully loved

I am most in awe that my biggest questions were answered without me ever verbalizing them.

My Biggest Questions Answered

Can I show up authentically as myself and be truly loved?  

Could I still sparkle and not settle?

Is The Vision that I believe the Lord gave me actually possible? A husband who is my partner, Children, and still doing my Health and Wellness evangelizing?

Yes and Yes.

I never asked the Lord these questions verbally but they were always in the back of my mind. 

Can I show up authentically as myself and be truly loved?

I never thought I could show up as my true and authentic self and be loved and certainly not romantically.  Ever. 

For instance an authentic moment of me being annoying (For the record We're all annoying) 

I was complaining about something I hate doing and not only was I okay with my annoying side being seen but it was okay.  

It ended up being more than okay.  It was fun.

I can be a "bit" dramatic and emotional at times...especially if it's a sore spot.  Well, I can think of no more of a sore spot than this issue of being single and I completely fell apart when answering honestly that I would regret not creating my own family.  It was an authentic moment but I count it a win that I was even able to speak about this openly and honestly.

I was vulnerable and transparent and it was okay.  

Can I still sparkle?

I realized that what others may see as assets in me I always assumed would be liabilities when it came to romantic relationships.  I figured I would need to tone it down so that the man would not feel threatened or feel like he needed to compete with me.

Imagine my surprise when not only was I able to sparkle...I was encouraged to sparkle and complimented on the sparkling.  This was remarkable.

Sidenote: I always picked men who if they tried to compete with me would lose.  I knew we weren't equally yoked and they knew it too.

 I always figured I would have to settle for someone who would be okay with who I am but never really supportive of my dreams, goals, and plans. 

I never thought about the guy who would think bigger than I do.

I had never thought of A man who would say "That's great...so have you thought about___"

Me: Well no...I hadn't thought about that.  I'm afraid. (Hello...admitting I'm afraid is a major milestone)

Well, you should do it....if you're comfortable

But what about someone with whom I am equally yoked?  Never a competition but always a collaboration because there is mutual respect and I see him as my partner.

He inspires me to be better and I inspire him to be better.  

Is there really a man out there that can be My Partner in All Things?

One of the things I have always believed was that I was going to marry my partner in all things.  Business Partners, Ministry Partners, Life Partner, etc.  The truth is I don't want to do all of the things on my list by myself.  

I don't think it would be much fun and I don't believe God would receive the glory from it because it's all about me me me and not about Him Him Him.  Marriage requires us to lay down our lives like Jesus did and for someone like myself who has been so focused on self-preservation, I really believe my sanctification Process requires marriage and family.

Not only that part of my whole Kingdom agenda is that Men and Women must work together for the Glory of God. 

One of my requirements for a husband would be that we must be able to teach alongside one another.  I want a partner who knows the scriptures and is able to teach...and teach well.  He doesn't need to teach like me but we should complement one another and he should do a good job...enough to where I want our names linked.

Is my vision Possible?

I went to a Geneen Roth seminar several years ago where we did an eating meditation.  She asked us to suck on a Hershey's Kiss slowly because that was a common binge eating food.  When you're binge eating, you don't really taste the food because you're trying to fill an insatiable need that has nothing to do with hunger but filling empty voids.

As we sat there and slowly sucked this candy until it melted in our mouths, we all became well aware of the actual taste of the Hershey Kisses.

"So what do you think?" asked Geneen.

"It tastes artificial but it's better than nothing," said a woman.

"Aha! That's what I'm talking about.  "That's what we call settling," said Geneen.  She went on to say that we could live in the now without worrying about food, weight, and dieting. What we want is possible no matter what the scale says.

It's artificial but better than nothing.  Settling because what you want is not possible.

Perhaps part of my vision was a self-defense move because I did not think what I wanted was truly possible even though God has sent people to confirm it along the way.

Years ago at Shiloh Church Sister Leora Overall said to me, "It is already done." when I asked for prayer to see the vision God gave me come to pass.

2020 has shown me more than ever before that it is possible.  I've seen it.  God has answered my questions about whether or not if it is possible without me ever verbalizing them.

It was the end of wondering if this is possible?

Ecclesiastes 7:8

8 Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.

A New Thing

I believe 2021 will be about the New Thing.  

Rivers in Dry Places and a Way Through the Wilderness.  So yes 2020 was the End of a Season for me.  

No lies...I am afraid but I will be brave and courageous as I move into this new territory.

Deuternomy 31:6

6 Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble in dread before them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not fail you or abandon you.”

My hope is not in Outcomes but in The Lord My God.

Romans 10:11

11 For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes in Him [whoever adheres to, trusts in, and relies on Him] will not be disappointed [in his expectations].”