Pandemic Chronicles #10 - Why I am abandoning my "single" journey

When I took the Cleansing Streams class two years ago at Shiloh we received these rings. 

I put mine on as a promise to myself to continue to trust that God could even turn my stony heart tender and that I wouldn't be afraid to let Him touch even that most barren area of my life.

I took that ring off this week...and not because I am in a relationship or even considering one.

It's the opposite.  

I am abandoning the single journey with its pursuit toward marriage.  

I'm sorry that it took up so much time, energy, and I put so many prayers toward it.  It honestly feels like I wasted those prayers when I could have been praying about something far more substantive that would yield actual results and bear lasting fruit.


This has all come to nothing and it is time to move on.

These are serious times...

These are serious times and I believe that a better use of my time would be to get in my position, continue to build my business in order to be able to be a force economically, and invest my time into writing, study, and exhorting those around me.

In my opinion it is waste of my time to be praying for a man or looking around at the slim pickings hoping that Pitiful Pete will turn to Powerful Peter.

An even more giant waste of time would be trying to turn Pitiful Pete into Powerful Peter.

I have a background with feminism where we routinely disparaged and talked about the uselessness of men.  I must admit I have revisited those thoughts in the past few days as I have watched men abdicate their roles at church and in the community.  

When there is a prayer meeting it is the women leading and very few men show up and have their voices in the room.

When There is a protest women and girls are on the front lines. One of the worst images I saw was a dark-skinned little girl angrily leading a protest.  

My heart broke for that little girl because even as a young girl she's being set up to mule for other people's causes and take on a savior complex.  

Yes it matters that I point out that she is dark skinned because dark skinned Black women are often masculinized by society. Darker skinned Black women aren't allowed the privilege of protection.  They are not seen as feminine.  Much of this goes back to slavery when Darker slaves had to work in the fields.

Malcolm X once said that "The most unrprotected person in America is the Black woman" and he never lied.  We perpetuate the terrible stereotypes that (darker) Black women are angry, masculine, and should take on everyone else's battles.

My question is: Why wasn't a man leading the protest? Why must this role fall to a little girl.  In the middle of a pandemic no less!  She can be at the protest but she doesn't need to lead and she should have had protection.

She is a little girl who can be pretty and treated like a child. We must stop the Adultification of Black Girls...especially the darker skinned Black girls.

The Capitalization of Black women's singleness

This week has really been a battle for me as I come to the terms with the end of this journey.

I had to really put my feelings down on paper and into words because so much of it has left me frustrated.  It's not just that it has come to nothing.  It's to know that the desire for marriage is big business and while I am actively jumping off of the bandwagon I think about all of the people who will spend more money to try to make their marriage goals a reality.

Over the years we've watched church people build platforms and "ministries" off of the plight of single Black women.  They've pandered to Black women's desires to be married knowing the pickings are slim in the church. I would imagine the purity/marriage movement has made millions off of vulnerable Black women.

It's horrible and makes me so angry.  How are you going to make money off of this when nobody has talked to the men about how they need to step it up?  Who are the women supposed to marry if they want a kingdom marriage?

A few weeks ago a sister I follow on social media posted these tweets and I Direct Messaged her to let her know how much I appreciated her words.

Marriage isn't the be all end all of life and it's turned into an idol for many in the church. It is also an easy and effective way for those looking to take advantage to make money off of women with books, conferences, courses, and groups that take all of their money.

The burden doesn't fall solely on the people selling this mess. I look around at the desperate women who are willing to settle for any man as long as he is breathing and/or putting their lives on hold until they get married. It's all a shame.

I do feel badly for the younger sisters in the church. This week I wrote that they deserve better options for husbands. Many are not even dating because they have so few options and this is across racial lines.

What about The Men?

The men aren't really dating.  They're wasting time.  As I told a friend recently, the reason these men aren't dating high value women is because they know the foolishness wouldn't cut it.  

A lot of men these days have poor self-esteem issues and are very insecure so they gravitate toward manipulative women who use and abuse them because that's what they think they deserve. 

Insecure men gravitate toward equally insecure women who are placated with even the slightest bit of attention and will accept anything.

I want tangible fruit...

I came to a point this week where I realized this investment of energy into all of this "single journey" could be better be spent elsewhere that can give forth actual and tangible fruit.  

I don't identify with women who are lonely and long for companionship.  Far from it.  My biggest concern is someone infringing upon my freedom  or possibly derailing the purposes for my life.  

That's why I thought that for me to lay down my life in order to partner with someone else would definitely make me more like Jesus because it would force me to forgo the me, me, me and think about someone else.

 I thought focusing on my own life goals was far too selfish but now I see it's far more selfish to project your agenda onto others and then become disappointed when they don't meet your expectations.  

I wonder if that's what people mean when they say they "Grew Apart".  One person didn't evolve to meet the expectation of the other.

Where do I go from here....

Times are so chaotic right now that I don't know.

I don't believe this nonsense about putting yourself into position to get married.  Nobody I know who has a long and successful marriage has said that.  What they have said is that they were serving the Lord and living their lives when they met someone they connected with. 

The only formula I've seen in the Bible is: "Seek First the Kingdom of God and he'll give you everything you need." (Luke 12:31 TLB)

I hear that positioning yourself mess from the social media relationship people who are trying to capitalize off of singles.  They say that so you'll waste your time positioning yourself going to their conferences, reading their books, and staying glued to hear their next tips for meeting "The One"

I am not expending not one more ounce of energy toward a single journey to marriage. 

No more praying about it

No more talking about it

No more wasting any more time on this.

If it's supposed to happen, then it will.  If not, then great. That means that's not the life that was meant for me. 

It's far worse to try to force something that wasn't ever meant to be.  

Forcing something that wasn't meant to be is how you end up with bitter people that have kids that they don't really want and spouses that they don't respect.

It's a whole different level of Faith to say, "God I trust that you have the life you want for me...whether it is what I thought I wanted or not or what I thought I should have."

Perhaps this is my own Great Awakening. This is the year I said it would all become clear and perhaps this is the clarity that I needed toward this issue.

I can finally put this issue to rest.

I can move uninhibited to the next volume of life.